The Secret Diary of the One Ring
by Hobbit-eyes
Summary: What if the One Ring had kept a diary?. . . It probably wouldn't have been as strange as this. The Lord of the Rings, from the point of view of the One Ring, who is revealed to be sarcastic, and feels unappreciated and misused. Chapter 3 up!
1. The worst luck a Ring of Power can have

Hi people! To celebrate two stories of mine's reviews passing the 100 mark, I decided to put up this completely random story I wrote. This is only half of it, and I checked, and I don't think anyone has ever done this on fanfiction before.... WHY? Anyway, enjoy!  
  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Lord of the Rings, or any of the characters.  
  
* * * * *  
  
THE SECRET DIARY OF THE ONE RING  
  
FORGED BY THE DARK LORD SAURON HIMSELF.  
  
LICENCE TO RULE THEM ALL, FIND THEM, BRING THEM ALL AND BIND THEM ETC.  
  
TOP SECRET (as you may guess by the title)  
  
DO NOT READ (that means you, Witch King)  
  
ENTRY 1  
  
Was created today.  
  
Cannot allow myself to get self-obsessed just because just because I have the power to control all the other Rings.  
  
ENTRY 2  
  
All free lands of Middle Earth falling under my power. Go me!  
  
ENTRY 3  
  
Last Alliance battle. Loads of elves and men and orcs fighting on the slopes of Mount Doom. They're winning. Boo.  
  
Uh-oh. Sauron putting his armour on. This can't be good.  
  
ENTRY 4  
  
It wasn't. Stupid Isildur.  
  
ENTRY 5  
  
Am now stuck at the bottom of a river. Stupid river.  
  
ENTRY 6  
  
History's becoming legend.  
  
ENTRY 7  
  
Legend's becoming myth.  
  
ENTRY 8  
  
Have been stuck here for two and a half thousand years now. Not a very interesting view, pondweed. Would kill for my Gameboy.  
  
ENTRY 9  
  
Have ensnared a new bearer. At last.  
  
ENTRY 10  
  
Great. Am now stuck inside a mountain cave. What is with my bearers? Are they all social lepers?  
  
ENTRY 11  
  
Gollum spends all day talking to me.  
  
Am almost wishing that I was back in the river.  
  
ENTRY 12  
  
Darkness is creeping back into the forests of the world, and there are rumours of a shadow in the East. But then again, you shouldn't believe everything a fish tells you.  
  
ENTRY 13  
  
Story was confirmed by a rat. Think my time has now come.  
  
Must apologize to Guppy for calling him a liar before I leave.  
  
ENTRY 14  
  
Great. There are loads of goblins in this mountain, and only one hobbit.  
  
Who do I get picked up by?  
  
The hobbit.  
  
As far as rings of power go, I must have the worst luck in the world.  
  
ENTRY 15  
  
Have gone back to little hobbit's home country. Not too bad. Better than a cave with no central heating or DSL, anyway.  
  
ENTRY 16  
  
Great. Am settling down to wait for Ringwraiths to come and find me, and hobbit ditches me.  
  
Doesn't even put me down gently. Goes and drops me on the floor. Ow.  
  
Do people think Rings have no feelings?  
  
Was nearly picked up by dude with serious facial hair problem. Am still debating as to whether those were caterpillars on his forehead. Am sure I saw them move once or twice.  
  
Sauron went and made him jump. Hehehe.  
  
ENTRY 17  
  
Have just spent last few months in an envelope. Sauron promised me world domination.  
  
Must discuss compensation when I get back to Mordor.  
  
ENTRY 18  
  
Am sitting on kitchen table. Big Schnozz talking to hobbit's nephew. Am sure they're talking about me.  
  
Great. First they go and chuck me in a fire, then they talk behind my back.  
  
I feel so unloved.  
  
ENTRY 19  
  
Am off on the road again. Have nice cosy conveniently Ring sized pocket to sit in. Big Eyes has brought one of his friends along with him.  
  
ENTRY 20  
  
Why haven't the Ringwraiths saved me already? It's so difficult to find reliable help nowadays.  
  
ENTRY 21  
  
Was nearly put on today. Big Eyes, Mop Head, Coupla Carrots and Mushrooms met in a field. Coupla Carrots and Mushrooms are two other friends of Big Eyes - he certainly is more popular than my former bearers. I mean, Sauron was feared and respected, but he didn't really have any close friends, except the Witch King. And then he went and enslaved him.  
  
Mental note - lend Sauron book on people skills.  
  
Anyway, hobbits met, ran away from big dogs, fell down cliff, then went and leapt behind a tree. Was nearly found by Billy-Bob, but Mop Head went and stopped Big Eyes from putting me on. Stupid Mop Head.  
  
ENTRY 22  
  
Nearly caught on way to Buckleberry Ferry. Just missed. Could hear Jo-Jo and Cephalonius swearing at Billy-Bob on their way to the bridge.  
  
Don't know what they're complaining about. They wouldn't have fitted on the ferry anyway.  
  
They'll catch Big Eyes next time. How lucky can a hobbit be?  
  
ENTRY 23  
  
Was put on in Bree today. Stupid Big Eyes went and tripped over. I made myself land on his finger. Pretty nifty, if I may say so myself.  
  
Nice to see Sauron again. Looking a little more disembodied than when I saw him last.  
  
ENTRY 24  
  
Am now off to Rivendell.  
  
Elves. Ick.  
  
Big Eyes believes all the nasty things Greasy Hair tells him. Hmph. He doesn't listen to me when I say "Put me on, nice Baggins, I won't corrupt you, I promise," oh no, he just mutters "I wish the Ring had never come to me" and shoves me back in his pocket.  
  
Great. He believes some greasy Ranger more than a Ring of Power.  
  
Society nowadays.  
  
ENTRY 25  
  
Greasy Hair looks very familiar. Come to think of it, he looks a lot like.... oh shit.  
  
ENTRY 26  
  
Again, nearly rescued, but not.  
  
Who do those Ringwraiths think they are? Four hobbits, all alone, getting sniffles, against five wraiths, and do they get the Ring? Noooooo, they get defeated by Greasy Hair and his massive match.  
  
On the plus side, Big Eyes went and put me on again. Stupid little git.  
  
Also got to see Witch King again. Thought he was looking a little meatier round the edges than before, and said so. He agreed to research the Atkins Diet.  
  
Hurrying off to Rivendell even faster now.  
  
Great. All the faster to see elves again. Ick.  
  
Big Eyes has been stabbed. His own stupid fault. Shouldn't have got in the way of the Morgul blade. Had to be all HEROIC.  
  
ENTRY 27  
  
Would have thought WALKING was fast enough, but noooo, now we're RIDING.  
  
Stupid elf, with her white glowiness and effortless elvish dialogue. Could never quite master the vowels. If I could, would be much easier to tempt Elrond.  
  
May have to see if I can get lessons in Rivendell.  
  
Big Eyes turning into a wraith. Don't know why Sauron is so keen for this; he'll have to order robes, a sword, morgul blades, a horse etc in extra extra small. Imagine the extra expense.  
  
And how will he keep up with the other nine on a pony? That's just cruel. He'll be picked on.  
  
Mwa ha ha ha.  
  
ENTRY 28  
  
You would have thought nine wraiths on horses would be able to overtake one nancy elf, but noooo.  
  
I seem to be saying that a lot now.  
  
It's all the Ringwraiths fault. They seem to have lost some of the pure unescapable horror they induced before. Now they're just vaguely creepy.  
  
Anyway, Championship whites manages to get Big Eyes across the ford and gives the Ringwraiths a nice cold albeit unwanted bath, and I am now in Rivendell. Stupid elf.  
  
Elves. Ick. 


	2. Me? Paranoid? I wonder why?

YES!!! I am BACK!!!! With yet more Ringy-misunderstoodness! It's getting slightly grouchy now. I've been trying to write one for the Two Towers, but it doesn't seem very long. I'll put it up anyway, at some point. So here we are - the next thrilling instalment of the Secret Diary of the One Ring!  
  
THE SECRET DIARY OF THE ONE RING  
  
IF YOU READ THIS, YOU SHALL BE TORTURED TO DEATH BY THE MOST TERRIFYING CREATURES IMAGINABLE.  
  
YES, I WILL SET HOBBIT KIDS ON YOU.  
  
I'M AN EVIL RING OF POWER, AREN'T I?  
  
ENTRY 29  
  
Great. NOW I feel wanted. Today there was a whole council discussing what the best way of killing me was.  
  
It's discrimination. People just have it in for rings that contain their master's cruelty, malice and will to dominate all life.  
  
Got to freak everyone out by making flames billow along me though. Seriously freaked out Big Eyes. Was hoping to scare him off, but he decided to take me to Mordor instead.  
  
Maybe it's reverse psychology.  
  
ENTRY 30  
  
Have been holding to this course west of the Misty Mountains for forty days.  
  
Am getting ever so slightly bored.  
  
At least I'm on a nice silver chain now instead of in Big Eyes' conveniently ring-sized coat pocket.  
  
Crebain from Dunland flew over. They look flashy, but the worst they can do is poo on your black cape when you're months away from the nearest drycleaners. As the Ringwraiths learnt.  
  
Could have served to my advantage, but we now have an elf in the group. Stupid elves. Never liked them. Too difficult to turn to evil, especially since if you don't speak elvish, they consider you inferior. Would prefer to live with an elf than say, a dwarf. At least elves have discovered personal hygiene. Dread to think what lives in that dwarf's beard.  
  
ENTRY 31  
  
Halfway up random mountain, Big Eyes slips and goes a'tumbling down the slope. I fall off. The chain is in fact very tacky.  
  
Get picked up random man in the Fellowship. Hmmm. Could be easier to convert than Greasy Hair, who is all about honour etc. Humongous Shield says that it's strange that they suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a thing.  
  
It's nice to be appreciated for once.  
  
ENTRY 32  
  
Are now going to the Mines of Moria.  
  
Wish Fellowship would make its mind up.  
  
ENTRY 33  
  
Mines of Moria v bleak, v gloomy and v tomblike, according to Humongous Shield. Apparently, there was a great massacre of dwarves there. For once, this was not my fault.  
  
Feels v strange not being blamed for once. Nance Elf blamed goblins. Then Big Eyes was grabbed by massive monster thingy. Heard about him in Mordor. Doesn't get on very well with Sauron - apparently he ate his favourite goblin. Now he tried to eat me.  
  
Not that it would have mattered. Ringwraiths would find me anyway, and world would be free from Big Eyes. But would not particularly enjoy method of leaving monster's possession. Ick.  
  
ENTRY 34  
  
Saw Gollum again. Apparently he hasn't got over me. Ought to get a restraining order.  
  
ENTRY 35  
  
Big Eyes nearly dies again.  
  
Again, he is saved by something elvish.  
  
Stupid elves.  
  
How many lives has Big Eyes got? He's like a cockroach.  
  
Goblins have become grossly incompetent when it comes to killing. I mean, fifty or so of them - plus a cave troll - versus nine fellowship members, four of whom can scarcely hold their swords the right way round. Must mention it when I get to Mordor.  
  
Maybe suggest crossing orcs with cockroaches. Then they won't die so easily. Plus, antennae freak most people out.  
  
Or maybe it's just me.  
  
And Jo-Jo.  
  
ENTRY 36  
  
Oh dear, Big Schnozz fell into shadow.  
  
Slow motion makes me feel nauseous. I mean, come on, he only FELL. He wasn't that great anyway.  
  
He was basically a walking nose with eyebrows.  
  
So where are we going now? Oh great, we're following Greasy Hair. Wish I'd brought more insurance.  
  
ENTRY 37  
  
Lothlorien.  
  
More elves.  
  
Ick.  
  
What is with this world and elves?  
  
ENTRY 38  
  
Some blonde ugly elf said that they brought great evil there.  
  
Must mean Frodo's BO. I mean, they wouldn't say that to my FACE.  
  
Behind my back, granted. But not to my face. That's just out of order.  
  
ENTRY 39  
  
Great. Now we're STAYING with the elves.  
  
Even if I do get back to Mordor, I'll never be able to show my face again. I mean, I STILL haven't been able to corrupt anyone. Not even Big Eyes, and he is exceedingly dim.  
  
ENTRY 40  
  
Big Eyes went and offered me to Flirty Wench.  
  
Am going to need serious counselling when I get back to Mordor.  
  
Flirty Wench went all freaky. Big Eyes' eyes got yet bigger, but I was thinking, 'Huh, yeah, am I supposed to be SCARED now?'  
  
She was ranting about what she'd do, but then I reminded her 'Don't count your chickens before they've hatched'. This sobered her up a bit, but she didn't want me any more.  
  
She only wanted me for my limitless power and strength.  
  
Women.  
  
Saw Nenya again. She had a bit of a thing for me once. We met at a Ring of Power orientation meeting.  
  
ENTRY 41  
  
Off down the Anduin. Coupla Carrots and Mushrooms seriously bugging me. Actually, everyone is.  
  
Argonath. Two big statues. Big deal. You'd think they were symbolic or something by the rise in musical score.  
  
Big Eyes looked impressed. But then again, everything looks big to a midget.  
  
ENTRY 42  
  
Nearly stolen by Humongous Shield. Nice to be fought over for a change instead of just being conspired against.  
  
But Big Eyes goes and puts me on and then runs off, spineless little midget he is.  
  
Of course, if was actually an invertebrate, he wouldn't be able to run much.  
  
Hahahahahaha. Shut up brain, shut up.  
  
Still, continuing to Mordor. What fun. We didn't even leave Mop Head behind.  
  
Stupid Mop Head.  
  
* * * * *  
  
jedi-hobbit - OK. Done. Thanks!  
  
Pixael28 - Thanks! Sorry I haven't put up any more of the Lord of the Things - The Two Glowers, I just don't think it's one of my better stories. Do you really want me to continue it?  
  
KnowInSight - Yes, it is rather fascinating to see how a Ring of Power thinks, isn't it? You don't really think about it, but it has a pretty rough time...  
  
Im a Brandybuck - Thanks! Well, the Ring might not know everyone else's names. Well, he might, but feels like making fun of them. Who knows? I don't, and I'm supposed to be writing this thing...  
  
Pops - I do? That's so sweet! She rocks! I'll review your stories as soon as I can!  
  
Cirfia - I did? Whoops.  
  
Tanuki Yasha - That IS a lot of verys. 32 I think. And yes, I did realise, I was just in a grovelling mood.  
  
Oddwen - Clever AND hilarious? Wow, now THAT'S a compliment! Thanks!  
  
Gone-to-jarmadanga - Oh, it didn't sound good? What didn't sound good about it? I suck at writing summaries...  
  
Aofyn - Thanks!  
  
Matrix-Twin1 - I have written more! It's coming soon!  
  
Anne Withane - I don't know where I got the character of the Ring from. Cute? Thanks! And thank you for not calling it sweet, that adjective is going to hound me to the end of my days... Why does everyone call me sweet?  
  
Fairy-of-the-Lost - Thanks!  
  
Megami no Inazumi - Some kind of genius? I love all these compliments! I'm not a genius though, believe me. My friends insist I am, but they're wrong! WRONG!!!!!  
  
Mara - Aaaah, turning stories upside-down... one of the great joys of life...  
  
Elfitchick - I hate slash. Some people have really sick minds...  
  
Mako - Really? Wow! That's so cool, I love the Cassie Claire fics!  
  
InterstellarDust - You're welcome! I can never watch movies in a serious manner any more... 


	3. Gollum's new favourite

I'm sorry it takes me ages to update, but it takes a while to think up new ideas for each chapter. Plus I was really worried that this one was too short. I still think it is, but I hope you guys will still like it!  
  
This is part of my MEGA-UPDATE. I think I updated a total of 9 stories today... Anyway, would you like me to write more diaries for more LOTR characters? Enjoy!  
  
THE SECRET DIARY OF THE ONE RING  
  
ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO READ BEYOND HERE  
  
ENTRY 43  
  
Sauron is now freaking out Frodo with extraordinary regularity.  
  
As much as I enjoy any fear Big Eyes feels because of yours truly, he has made a habit of grabbing hold of me when he does so, and his hands are more than slightly grimy.  
  
Caked in mud and god-knows-what-else to the point of skin suffocation is a closer description.  
  
ENTRY 44  
  
Gollum needs to get a life. I mean, I moved out and have been living with another hobbit for sixty-one years. Can't he take a hint?  
  
ENTRY 45  
  
Apparently not. Big Eyes has now adopted Gollum as a pet. Why can't he get a tamagotchi? Much easier to look after, anyway.  
  
ENTRY 46  
  
Went for a dip in a nice refreshing albeit haunted by the ghosts of men and elves pool today. Big Eyes seemed to enjoy it considerably less than me. At least his hands are marginally cleaner now.  
  
Am thinking Big Eyes may be Gollum's new favourite.  
  
Not quite certain how I feel about this yet.  
  
ENTRY 47  
  
Big Eyes is a major wuss. One little wail and he freaks out completely. The whole widened eyes and grabbing shoulder bonanza. What is wrong with him?  
  
ENTRY 48  
  
Saw the Black Gate. Sauron seems to have had the decorators round, looked slightly more drastic than when I saw it last. He seems to have gone for the 'Evil nouveau' look.  
  
Looked better on Orthanc, I must say. Catch me saying that in front of Sauron though. I don't personally want to have my Christmas bonuses cut off for several millennia, thank you very much.  
  
Big Eyes has only two discernible talents, except for an uncanny impression of a deer caught in the headlights. The only thing he's better at than getting into trouble is getting out of it again.  
  
Which is a really bad habit in a Ringbearer.  
  
Or a good one, from Big Schnozz's point of view.  
  
ENTRY 49  
  
Big Eyes and Mop Head had their first tiff today. Oooh, do I sense trouble in paradise?  
  
ENTRY 50  
  
Heard Gollum frolicking last night. He seemed cheerful. Hardly seems possible. Maybe he's over me at last. Scarcely allowing myself to hope.  
  
Am getting horrible feeling that they may succeed on their quest.  
  
ENTRY 51  
  
Can always rely on men to wreck things for Middle Earth. Good ol' Faz.  
  
ENTRY 52  
  
Big Eyes losing hope and getting all depressing.  
  
Mop Head attempting to be smart.  
  
Men wrecking everything.  
  
Aaaaah. Back to normal.  
  
ENTRY 53  
  
Great. Gollum's back. Again.  
  
This time he was singing. Euuurgh. I'd forgotten how terrible it was.  
  
ENTRY 54  
  
Well, Faz certainly seems very friendly. Oh yes, he's going to send Big Eyes on his way tomorrow, with an escort of armed men.  
  
It's difficult for a Ring of Power to be sarcastic.  
  
He's not being friendly. He's being downright evil.  
  
Brilliant race, mankind. Don't see why Greasy Hair couldn't be more like Faz.  
  
He even managed to cause Big Eyes to have a near-breakdown. But then again, that's not too difficult.  
  
Must recommend to Sauron that Faz would be a good Ringwraith.  
  
Better than Billy-Bob, anyway.  
  
ENTRY 55  
  
Off to Osgiliath. See that the orcs have been there. Pfft. They have no sense of style. With them it's just destroy, pillage, burn, etc etc. With no sense of dramatics. What's happened to evil nowadays?  
  
Big Eyes said that I have only the power to destroy.  
  
I'm touched that he noticed.  
  
ENTRY 56  
  
Hmm. Focusing all my corrupting powers on Big Eyes. Have read 'Hobbit Corrupting for Dummies'. Apparently I've been overestimating his IQ.  
  
Ohm. Evil thoughts. Ohm.  
  
LATER  
  
Brill book. Off we go. Big Eyes is corrupted, albeit weird looking.  
  
LATER  
  
I hate Mop Head.  
  
Mop Head MUST DIE.  
  
Big Eyes didn't even break a bone whilst plummeting down the stairs. Damn Mop Head's squidgyness.  
  
Not even all that fond of Faz any more, since he shot Jo-Jo's 'fell beast'.  
  
Sauron hasn't even been bothered to name them. They're just 'the fell beasts'.  
  
Ah well, Big Eyes still corrupted.  
  
LATER  
  
Ooh, he's got a sword to Mop Head's throat now. I am GOOD.  
  
LATER  
  
I hate Mop Head. Again. Damn his uplifting and moving speech.  
  
And so Faz has let us go, we're still on the way to Mordor. Oh fabby.  
  
Society nowadays. Can't even give in to evil.  
  
I must be losing my touch. Couldn't even corrupt a bunch of Ithilien rangers.  
  
If this gets out in Mordor, I'll never be able to show my face again.  
  
ENTRY 57  
  
Heard Gollum talking about 'her'. Is this some ex-girlfriend of his?  
  
If her singing is as bad as Gollum's, Big Eyes should be running for the hills.  
  
*****  
  
Tanuki Yasha - I know you were the third person to read it, but thanks for reviewing anyway! It's always nice to have the little blue number going up and up and up... which it seems to do now with surprising regularity...  
  
Matrix-Twin - Which movie? Was it Huckleberry Finn? I've seen that! He IS just a walking nose with eyebrows. I'm not surprised those orcs were scared at Helm's Deep.  
  
Reasonably Crazy - Thanks!  
  
Gone-to-jarmadanga - Legolas, hands down! Although Aragorn does look cool in Return of the King. However, I can't like Frodo, considering his eyes are so similar to mine (hence the name). We don't get to do surfing, but... uh... I get free time to write these crazy things.  
  
Megami no Inazumi - Really? That's so sweet, because I wasn't expecting it to be so popular - wait - that's not how you take compliments - thank you!  
  
Cinnamonflamez - Wow, thank you so much! By the age of 8? I'm impressed.  
  
Cosmic Castaway - Thanks so much! I'm glad you didn't actually die, then I'd feel very guilty...  
  
Fairy-of-the-Lost - Thanks! I'll next update, um, when Return of the King comes out, I guess.  
  
GamgeeFest - Thanks! I just think the Ring isn't given enough thought. Poor thing...  
  
Im a Brandybuck - Well, it said in the film that the Ring and Sauron are one. Sauron has a brain. Ergo, concordantly, the Ring must have a brain.  
  
KnowInSight - Thanks!  
  
InterstellarDust - I know! What is WITH antennae that makes them so FREAKY?  
  
Elfitchick - Thanks! Well, here was the Two Towers one, I hope you liked it!  
  
Oddwen - The Lone PFR fan - So I'm clever, hilarious, genius and inspired. Whoa. That's a lot of compliments... Thanks!  
  
Two Bored Idiots - Oh, does it? Sorry. I can put up a guide to names if you want.  
  
Galadriel Gamgee - Thanks both of you! Hope you have recovered your a** successfully.  
  
Ella Baggins - Thanks! I'll let him know.  
  
RING: I KNOW ALL!  
  
Well, there you go. I think he's pleased.  
  
Pointy Ears Are My Thing - *looks at Pointy Ears down on knees with a slightly worried expression on face* Um, OK, I'm glad that you like it so much! Uh, you can get up now!  
  
BURN THE R.U.M. - Thanks!  
  
Gilraen Ar-Feiniel - Good point! Well, he manages in this chapter.  
  
Sugaricing - Thanks so much! If you can laugh a lot, then you are exceedingly lucky. I read somewhere 'You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.' 


	4. A nice ethereal creepy vibe

Sorry this has taken so long, but I didn't go and see ROTK that many times in the cinema (only 3! Shock horror!) so I was waiting for the DVD to come out. But anyway, it's here now. The first of the ROTK instalments. There won't anywhere near as big a gap between updates this time, so I'll see you all again soon!  
  
THE SECRET DIARY OF THE ONE RING  
  
STILL GOING TO MORDOR  
  
STILL STUCK WITH HOBBITS  
  
BUT STILL EVIL AND IRRESTIBLE, DANGIT  
  
ENTRY 58  
  
OK, now Big Eyes is starting to worry me. Staying up all night and staring at me in adoration.  
  
I mean, it's nice to have the attention and everything, but...  
  
ENTRY 59  
  
So we're STILL going to Mordor? It's getting so old.  
  
ENTRY 60  
  
Am yet to tempt Mop Head into trying to take me. Dammit. Must try harder.  
  
ENTRY 61  
  
I can't believe this! I corrupt elves, kings, sons of Stewards and Big Eyes with little trouble, but I can't corrupt Mop Head??  
  
Why? Why? Why?  
  
ENTRY 62  
  
Gollum really sucks at keeping plots secret. I mean, staring at himself and repeating his 'brilliant' plan over and over again, just so that Mop Head can hear it... how thick can you get?  
  
And Big Eyes and Mop Head had another fight. I think this relationship's heading for the rocks.... How sad.  
  
Not. NyyeeeeoooowwwwKERSPLATT! Hehehehe.  
  
ENTRY 63  
  
Minas Morgul! It seems ages since I last saw it.  
  
Actually, just one Age. Ha! Ha! Ha!  
  
Good to see that Sauron got the green backlight fixed – adds an ethereal creepy vibe. Presence is everything when it comes to evil, you know. Would the Ringwraiths have been so scary if they were riding on pretty white ponies with pink bows? Actually, they might have been even more terrifying...  
  
But still, it was perfect for freaking out Big Eyes. I hope the Witch King doesn't mind us just turning up like this...  
  
ENTRY 64  
  
Damn! Damn Mop Head! Why did we have to bring him? I mean, all he does is stop Big Eyes from failing his quest! Useless! Useless! From an evil point of view, of course.  
  
Why couldn't he have brought Humongous Shield instead? Or even Nance Elf, I could have corrupted him by offering endless supplies of miruvor and elven shampoo...  
  
ENTRY 65  
  
Oh, I see the Witch King has got himself a massive army. Well, go him.  
  
So he can summon armies of about 200,000 orcs and trolls, but he can't get his act together and rescue me from these idiot hobbit-midgets?  
  
ENTRY 66  
  
I can't believe this. The Witch King just flew right past me. And didn't even notice.  
  
Maybe he's deliberately not finding me. Oh no, he's not holding the fact that I controlled his own Ring of power and turned him into a slave of Sauron against me, is he? I thought we were past that.  
  
ENTRY 67  
  
Hahahahahaha. Big Eyes has to climb the stairs. I just get a nice lift up on the chain round his neck.  
  
It's great fun making myself suddenly heavier, just when he's lifting his foot onto the next step.  
  
Keep it up, and I'll probably send him plummeting downwards to his death.  
  
Actually, time it right, and I could probably get rid of Mop Head at the same time. Kill two hobbits with one stone.  
  
One stone of extra weight, that is. Ha! Ha! Ha! I kill me.  
  
ENTRY 68  
  
Can't Big Eyes get a longer chain for me? Or at least button up his shirt all the way? I keep falling out and tempting Gollum. I mean, I know that that would probably lead to my retrieval by the Ringwraiths, but please, I like a challenge. Can't Big Eyes make it slightly harder for me?  
  
Speaking of challenges, Mop Head continues to resist. Gaargh.  
  
What does he want? I've offered power, I've offered riches... Wait a minute.  
  
ENTRY 69  
  
Am finally making headway. "Mooop Heeeaaad... I'll give you some big fat golden chips with a nice piece of fried fiiish..." He looked interested.  
  
Har har. I can keep my reputation of being irresistible.  
  
ENTRY 70  
  
Big Eyes and Mop Head have broken up. I knew it would happen eventually. Especially with my wonderful powers of corruption working on Mop Head AND Gollum.  
  
And anyway, it would take a real superhero to be able to put up with Big Eyes for this long. Mop Head just ain't got it in him.  
  
But please! Leaving Mop Head in tears? How teen movie behaviour is THAT?  
  
ENTRY 71  
  
So Gollum is leading Big Eyes to his inevitable, messy death.  
  
About damn time.  
  
ENTRY 72  
  
Poor, poor naïve Big Eyes. Hmmm. You've been led into an obvious trap – a dark cave, with sticky walls, and bodies littered everywhere – and it still takes a considerable amount of time for him to realize that he's been tricked.  
  
ENTRY 73  
  
Here comes the big spider! Run, Big Eyes, run!  
  
ENTRY 74  
  
Argh. I didn't MEAN it. Big Eyes needs to take a few lessons in sarcasm.  
  
ENTRY 75  
  
After cat fight of the century, Big Eyes managed to push Gollum off a cliff.  
  
I'm not getting my hopes up. Being pushed off a cliff seems to be a very unreliable cause of death in Middle-earth.  
  
ENTRY 76  
  
Actually, I hope the same philosophy applies lest Big Eyes does actually reach Mount Doom.  
  
But what are the chances of that happening? About as much chance as there is of... of... Nance Elf defeating an oliphaunt all by himself. Ha! Ha! Ha!  
  
ENTRY 77  
  
OH HELL, that actually is a very big spider.  
  
Arachnophobia is a common problem in Rings of Power... I know that at least half of the dwarven rings had it, and Vilya certainly did.  
  
ENTRY 78  
  
Big Eyes is dead! Huzzah! Now just wait for the spider to eat Big Eyes, and leave me behind, and wait to be found by orcs...  
  
Wait a minute. Is that –  
  
ENTRY 79  
  
STUPID, STUPID MOP HEAD!  
  
ENTRY 80  
  
Oh great. So not only did Mop Head defeat Big-Ass spider, but he also decided to claim it for his own.  
  
And just when orcs turned up as well!!  
  
I really must stop being picked up by unlikely hobbits in mountain paths when orcs are nearby!  
  
ENTRY 81  
  
I can't believe this. I just can't believe this.  
  
So Big-Ass spider has been defeated. Gollum's taken a little tumble off the cliff. Mop Head is now armed with an elvish weapon. He is also now the Ringbearer. On the outskirts of Mordor. That's all cataclysmic enough.  
  
BUT BIG EYES IS ALIVE????  
  
ENTRY 82  
  
I need a holiday... I wonder whether Isengard has vacationing facilities?

-  
  
We leave the One Ring just as the hobbits enter book 3. I still think it's weird that the hobbits only reach book 3 halfway through the third film. But I can see why Peter Jackson did it... uh... that's not interesting. What you want is callouts. Right. So here they are.  
  
Im a Brandybuck – A Ring with a face. Hmm. Yes, I can actually picture that... it looks weird...  
  
Sword of Dragon Fire – Thanks!  
  
Megami no Inazumi – Damn! That's another person who's died while reviewing! Is there some sort of epidemic?  
  
Jack Cole – Wow, thanks! I have read those, and I can't believe someone thinks mine are better than those... whoa... Thanks! Oh, I already said that, didn't I... ummm...  
  
insane werewolf luva – Hmm, Aragorn's a possibility. Maybe. And no offence, but you probably are insane to love a werewolf... they have four legs and carnassial teeth, after all...  
  
Matrix-Twin1 – Oh. No, I haven't seen that. And thanks very much!  
  
Littlefurryscrubcreature – I'd say the Matrix and the Lord of the Rings are about as different as you can get. Except maybe the Matrix and Clueless, or the Lord of the Rings and Bring It On. Cheerleaders in Middle-earth... eeuuuuuurrrggh.  
  
Zadie-Rainstar – Thanks!  
  
KnowInSight – Thanks! Yay, it rocks!  
  
Elfitchick – Oooh, Gollum, that's a good idea. I probably will do one for him.  
  
Gilraen Ar-Feiniel – And Sam, I guess I'll do one for Sam at some point. Hm, a funny Sam diary without slash... sounds like a challenge. And you think Frodo looks hot at that point?? I thought he looked – well, slightly weirder than he normally does.  
  
Reasonably Crazy – Hey! I did last update this before ROTK came out! Whoa, that's a much longer wait than I thought it was... sorry everyone... but I'd already read the books anyway. Anyway. Um. Sorry for the long wait. (hands out muffins)  
  
Alocin – Again, I had no idea it had been so long since I'd updated! Arrgh! (hands out more muffins)  
  
OBG – Thanks!  
  
ThePinkPanther – Heh... sorry... well, ten months is very soon in scientific terms...  
  
Lady Lanet – Thanks!  
  
Acantha – I try not to give up on fics- (CONSCIENCE: Except for 'Big Hobbit', and 'Casualty, Rivendell', and-) SH! But I wouldn't give up on this one, it's way too much fun to write. Bouquet of muffins? You mean they're actually GROWING somewhere??? (runs out to find the Mystic Muffin Bush of Chocolateyness)  
  
Joanne Butcher – Hi! You weren't there last Saturday! You missed us making up a play based on the Aeneid!  
  
KaguyaEvenstar – Neither did I, actually.  
  
Alcie – Hehe, thanks! I just felt a bit sorry for the One Ring at one point. "Um, hello? I am actually here? Can you stop talking about me as if I'm not? HELLO?"  
  
Cinnamonflamez – Yay for LOTR!  
  
Pointy Ears Are My Thing – (gasp) Not Hugh! A CD can't be Hugh! A name means that it has a soul! And a CD with a soul could RULE THE WORLD! The One CD to Rule Them All – called Hugh! Bwahahahahaha – um – OK, what was THAT all about?  
  
Anonymous – It's not that difficult, is it? I tried to give them names like their characters.  
  
Wildfire41 – Thanks!  
  
Elfpoet – Hehehe. Yes, I think I will do one for Aragorn. That would be cool. 'Got crowned today. As soon as I get a crown, what does Legolas do? He gets a tiara! Always has to go one better. Silly elf.'  
  
Lady Shinimegami – I don't rule much yet. I haven't even bought my mini- country. I've visited it, and it's still for sale, but I'd have to buy it, and get it turned into a country... not to mention getting the Canadian geese nearby to be my private army.  
  
Aaserene – Umm... no, ten months isn't soon at all. Oops.  
  
Yes I am a psychopathic moron from a galaxy far far away with plots to rule the world... oops you didn't hear that – Well, I don't think there are any going spare right now...  
  
The Arwen Police – Thanks! I want a tamagotchi...  
  
Bev Baudelaire – I haven't given up! I've just been... uh... extremely lazy.  
  
Alionae – That is weird. Well, it is an elvish chain, and those elves don't do things by halves.  
  
I will be back! I promise! I will update the final chapter! Have faith! If I don't, may kittens come and sit on my head until I do so! Doesn't sound bad, but I'm really allergic to cats...  
  
AND NOW A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS... aka ME...  
  
First of all, I've started writing a Pokemon story in conjunction with Bulma Greenleaf – check our joint account, under the name Wob-Wobs United, to read it. Of course, if you don't like Pokemon, don't bother...  
  
Second of all, I've started a message board for the Official Fanfiction University of Troy, coming soon, so please go and check that out! The link is on my bio!  
  
Third of all, all of the stories in this massive update of mine were dedicated to everyone in the world who have been taking exams recently. Congratulations! You made it through them! Now RELAX! That is an order, dagnabbit! An order from the Wob-Wobs, no less!


	5. The power of cheesiness

Here we go! Last chapter!  
  
THE SECRET DIARY OF THE ONE RING  
  
IF FOUND, RETURN TO SAURON  
  
UNOPENED  
  
AND KICK HIM FOR ME WHILE YOU'RE AT IT  
  
ENTRY 83  
  
Oh, lookit, we're off to save the Big Eyes, the wonderful Big Eyes of the Shire.  
  
So there's still hope for me! Whoopee!  
  
ENTRY 84  
  
Argh. I really do wish that orcs would stop killing each other. It just makes Mop Head's job all that much easier.  
  
Maybe I should suggest that orcs should go on team-building expeditions to raise unity and form bonds between them. It might stop entire-tower-guard- massacres happening so frequently.  
  
ENTRY 85  
  
Hahahahahahahahahaha.... Mop Head trying to look scary.... That put a smile on my face for the first time in ages.  
  
ENTRY 86  
  
A tearful reunion between Mop Head and Big Eyes.  
  
The tears were from me. As useless as these hobbits are, when they're together, they're so cheesy and heart-warming that they actually pose a threat.  
  
Mop Head gave me back! Reluctantly, but still of his own free will! I said "Nooo, the chips, remember the nice piece of fried fish!" and he hesitated, but still gave me back to Big Eyes!  
  
Who, may I say, really needs a bath. Ew.  
  
But it was nice to be fought over again. It's been a while.  
  
ENTRY 87  
  
Hahahaha! Big Eyes wearing orc armour!  
  
Hahahahahahahahaha!  
  
ENTRY 88  
  
So we're STILL going to Mount Doom.  
  
Remarkable. I'd have given up by now.  
  
ENTRY 89  
  
Getting slightly worried. What if I am destroyed? There's so much I still want to do! I've never ridden on an oliphaunt, I've never seen Rohan, I've never drunk so much miruvor I start speaking in elvish... I've hardly lived.  
  
ENTRY 90  
  
Oh good! Lots of orcs on the plains of Gorgoroth to catch Big Eyes. Sure to be captured.  
  
ENTRY 91  
  
OK, I'm going to stop tempting fate.  
  
What sort of leader leaves the only place where I can be destroyed unguarded?  
  
And what can be going on at the Black Gate that's so important? It's not like Greasy Hair's going to lead an army against him, is it?  
  
ENTRY 92  
  
"I don't think there's going to be a return journey, Mr Frodo."  
  
Can he stop being cheesy and heart-warming for just FIVE MINUTES? Come on, man! Get a grip!  
  
ENTRY 93  
  
Finally, Sauron's spotted Big Eyes! He'll be sending the Nazgul to come and get me any minute!  
  
ENTRY 94  
  
Any minute.  
  
ENTRY 95  
  
Any second now.  
  
ENTRY 96  
  
Maybe there's a lot of aerial traffic, or something.  
  
ENTRY 97  
  
WHERE THE HELL ARE THEY?  
  
ENTRY 98  
  
Blast it! Sauron's moved on again! Am I suddenly not IMPORTANT?  
  
ENTRY 99  
  
OK. Now we're actually ON Mount Doom. We're actually climbing up it. My fiery demise is only a few hundred metres away.  
  
Sauron had better get a wiggle on.  
  
I'm doing my bit to help. But it's going to take ages to lose all this weight again.  
  
ENTRY 100  
  
Oh, he doesn't need to hurry as much. The hobbits are stopping every five minutes for another cheesy-yet-oh-so-heart-warming talk, and a morale boosting hug.  
  
But being rescued before we actually reach the top would be nice.  
  
ENTRY 101  
  
So what if Big Eyes can't taste strawberries any more? Who really cares? I haven't EVER tasted strawberries! Does anyone feel sorry for ME? NO!  
  
Oh hell, Sauron had better hurry up. Mop Head's actually carrying Big Eyes now.  
  
ENTRY 102  
  
CRUD! WE'RE ALMOST THERE!  
  
Oh wait, there's Gollum. Aaah. I was worried there for a moment.  
  
ENTRY 103  
  
Did Big Eyes have Lucozade in his pocket? Where has this sudden burst of energy come from??  
  
Oh hell, we're actually going into Mount Doom. This is my last chance to corrupt him. Better get thinking.  
  
ENTRY 104  
  
Ummm...  
  
ENTRY 105  
  
"Biiiig Eyeees... I'll give you your own Palantir show... We can call it 'Frodo' and run it right after 'Will and Grace'..."  
  
That did it. So hobbits don't want power and wealth, they want celebrity status.  
  
I like 'Will and Grace' actually. It's this Elvish Palantir Network program, teaching young elflings about the necessary qualities in life.  
  
ENTRY 106  
  
Hahahahaha! Mop Head's face when Big Eyes claimed me for his own! Oh, it was classic! Made this whole trip worthwhile!  
  
So Big Eyes has gone completely doolally, Mop Head's freaked out because of said hobbit going doolally, and Sauron's finally got his act together and realized that I'm here.  
  
So I can sit back and relax now. Nothing more can go wrong.  
  
Uh-oh. I didn't just write that, did I? DID I JUST TEMPT FATE AGAIN?  
  
ENTRY 107  
  
I do NOT appreciate being bitten off. I mean, ew! I have a thing about blood!  
  
Though it is nice to have someone dancing around just because of me.  
  
Hurry up, Sauron, Big Eyes is looking weird. Like he's planning on pushing Gollum off the edge or something.  
  
ENTRY 108  
  
Oh crud. Thanks a bunch, Sauron. For a Maia Dark Lord your minions sure do move slow.  
  
For once, falling off a cliff has resulted in death. At least Gollum's been burnt away by the lava, and I get a chance to write a final note before I ultimately dissolve as well.  
  
Remember kids - if you are planning on basing all of your power on a Ring, a Ring that can only be destroyed in lava, a Ring that is all that stands between the heroes and the your destruction – look after it. Don't wear it out into battle where there's a chance it could get cut off. Leave it at home in a safety deposit box. Better yet, put it in your sock drawer. No- one will look for it there.  
  
And if you find a Ring of Power at the bottom of a stream, don't just put it in your pocket and forget about it. Talk to it. Ask it how it's feeling. Chances are, it has had as harrowing a tale as I, and will be craving comfort and human contact. Maybe take it to the zoo one weekend. And if you could give into its evil, well, that would make its day.  
  
Oh dear. About to dissolve. Farewell, cruel world. Thanks for nothing, Sauron. You couldn't at least have made it so that I can only be destroyed by being thrown into chocolate. Thanks a lot.

-  
  
I'm feeling really sorry for the Ring now...  
  
Pointy Ears Are My Thing – I used to like that bit, but now that I think about it, can you imagine Elrond doing something like that? Seems a bit over the top.  
  
Lily the Bucklander – (grabs onto rum) Cheers back!  
  
SandryLark – Ooooh, neat. Stabbing with spiky things is too good for this voodoo doll. What can I do to it... I know... I'll make it suffer slow death by Mary-Kate and Ashley! (DRAMATIC CHORD) Bwahahahaha!  
  
Im a Brandybuck – I probably would have been like that, except my sister told me what happened as soon as she read it. Mainly because she read it all really quickly, reached the part where Frodo died, burst into tears and refused to read any more. Then she told me why. Great. I finally persuaded her to keep reading, and she took it upon herself to keep a commentary of EVERYTHING that was happening up to the end. So I had no surprises at all. Grrr.  
  
Genny62890 – I will when I have the chance, I'm really busy at the moment (even though I'm on holiday) and can't get on the internet much. Thanks though! Hmmm... do you also like the old Thunderbirds TV series? If you do, then I will be truly amazed at how much we have in common.  
  
Kelsey – I hope you liked it!  
  
Eowyn Skywalker – Hate to say this, but what's the URL of your site? I can't find it... I really do want to go to it!  
  
Freakanature – It's all finished now. (sniff)  
  
Raven Aorla – But Gandalf doesn't wear his Ring openly, so I couldn't really fit it in. Maybe I could do a diary for Narya?  
  
Bev Baudelaire – Most of my friends's exams were over ages ago too, but the Latin one was scheduled really late... (mutters angrily)  
  
Terreis – I meant to go and see it more times, but never got round to it. Oh well. Only two or three years till the Hobbit...  
  
Gilraen Ar-Feiniel – Weird is hot? Then why don't I have a boyfriend yet??  
  
Theshiz – People in my school get confused when I start laughing madly, and don't get any less confused when I try to explain it. So maybe difference in languages doesn't have anything to do with it.  
  
Reasonably Crazy – I had two muffins last night. Double chocolate chip ones. Mmmmm.  
  
CatClawz – I'm sure Sauron feels the same way.  
  
Sweetdeath04 and Thorney – Oooh, rebel. Go you! I always used to sneak on the Internet during computer lessons. Only rebellious thing I ever did at school. Except writing to my headmistress, saying I disagreed with her talk in assembly...  
  
Anakin McFly – Well, the secret diary of Agent Smith is finished now. I was going to do one for another character though.  
  
Lady Lanet – Oooh, cool, mini Elves! I want a mini Elf! Cirdan's so cool.  
  
Caido Angeles The Dream Angel – Thanks very much! (not much else to say)  
  
Rhinoa Silvermoon – I've updated now. Obviously.  
  
I've begun writing a secret diary for Aragorn. Should be up soon!


End file.
